Sometimes I feel like I have Bipolar disorder. I know I don't. I probably shouldn't even joke about that, becasue I know its a very serious condition for those who do suffer from it. I don't go through such huge swings of chaos and depression like people diagnosed with Bipolar disorder do. But...sometimes, I think, there has got to be something wrong with me.
Is it all women who go through this? I swear, I look at women I pass on the street, women I see at work, women in my family (in-laws and all)...and I can't help but wonder, do they go through this too?
I'm very happy with my life. I love my husband (though, from the fight we had today, he probably thinks I'm filing for divorce tomorrow). I have wonderful family who supports me...most of the time. I have a roof over my head. I job that I absolutely LOVE.. And my entire life ahead of me...full of whatever I make it to be. But...there is always something in the back on my mind. there is always something back there nagging at me.
People look at other people and wish they could be them. I don't think it's just me who does that, in fact, I've been told by some people they wish they could have some parts of my life in their life. In my little family alone...I look at all my sisters, my mom, my nieces and nephews and see all the things I wish I could have been...or could be.
When I look at Krissy I wish I could have been as independent and confident as her. I wish I had enough courage and determination to challenge myself beyond what I ever thought imaginable. I wish I trusted people they way she does. I wish I believed in the good of people, and was so loving and beautiful...and so very strong.
When I look at Laurel, I think a lot of the same things. She moved away to Idaho from the only home she'd ever known (Nebraska) when she was pregnant with their first child. I wish I had the strength and courage to be able to throw all logic aside...and follow my gut, and the gut of my husband (whose gut, I hardly ever trust...but that's for another blog altogether). And ever since she moved...she's been alone. Not alone alone, I mean of course she's made friends, and a family, and she's always had her wonderful husband there with her. That doesn't mean it was easy for her...and sometimes I just think "Holy Shit, I could never do that". I may say some bad things about my family, but I could NEVER leave here...how would I ever survive? She was so strong for leaving, and for staying strong, and building a life she never even dreamed of. Her and Krissy both!
And Liz...with her 5 beautiful angels. When I look at her, of course she's just as strong as my other two sisters. You can't have 5 kids and not be strong. She's been through a lot, and she always pulls through. I wish I could as selfless as her. I'm not a mother, and honestly, I don't think I ever will be...but if I am, I hope to be as selfless as Liz and Laurel are with their children. I've seen Liz give her last piece of gum to her kids...whereas I laugh at them and put it in my own mouth. Horrible Aunt, aren't I? I wish I could be selfless, and loving, and a mother, a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent mother like Liz (to which Laurel is all these things as well).
And my Mom. After all the times I told her I hated her, and pushed her out of my life, and told her to never call me again. She still loves me. Maybe that's where Liz learns the selflessness. I could never forgive someone who said things to me, that I have said to my mom. Again, I have lots to learn to be a mother I think. But more than that...my mom, she taught all of my wonderful sisters to be strong, and courageous, to be determined, and loving, and caring. She taught them all that by being all those things. She taught Laurel and Liz to be mothers, and Krissy to be an intellecutal tree hugger. I wish I could love someone half as much as she clearly loves us.
Life is hard. Really f-ing hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a shadow, and that all my sisters got all the great qualities, and here I am...struggling to find my way to the top. Yea, from the outside I have it all...a great career, a great husband, a nice car, my dream dog....but there is so much more I crave. I know my sisters would argue there are things they strive for...but if they could just see how I see them...they'd understand that they are all everything I wish I could be in myself. Strong, compassionate, loving, caring, determined, courageous...the list can go on and on. I'm just a shadow on the wall most times, a shadow that tries so desperately to fit into one of their shells.
What the hell is wong with me?
2 comments:
Have you ever heard of the phrase "Fake it 'til you make you"? Yeah, that's really what the rest of the world is doing. I need to make this into an email or even another blog post. Thanks for saying such nice things about me. You make me smile everyday.
Love you. Laurel
Everything I learned, I learned from my families. You touched me and I thank you. As far as not being content with yourself, wouldn't it be awful if what you are now would never be more? I aim everyday to be better.
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